Category Archives: Seeker

Tell me a Story

At this time of year I’m reminded of the time I took my young daughter with me for a quick visit to a funeral home…not really anyone she knew so I didn’t think it would have an impact.  On the way home she became tearful and said she didn’t want to die. Not anticipating this at such a young age, I began searching my mind for something I could use to comfort her that she would understand….the Easter story came to mind.

We were not church goers but the preschool had been teaching the Easter story so I knew she would be familiar with it.  When I told her about the resurrection and that Jesus really didn’t die but came back again in a different form, I could see the tension in her face leave as she contemplated the whole story.  It was enough to comfort her and dissolve some of the fear…after all everyone she trusted was telling the same story.

What this incident reminds me of is the significance of stories for things that are fearful and unexplainable.  Some keep the same beliefs throughout their lives and are comforted by them with no desire to change the story line.  I have changed my comfort story many times throughout my life….even realizing they are comfort stories can create another story.

With things that are unexplainable, the best we can do is in the form of stories, metaphors or pointers.   I can get caught up in arguing the validity of certain stories but at this time of year I am again reminded that it probably doesn’t matter about the content of the story because in the end it’s all about the comfort of the recipient.

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Filed under Absolute, Nonduality, Pointers, Seeker, Thoughts, Truth

New Year – New You…?

I saw a poster on Facebook this week that said “Here we go again with that New Year – New You Bullshit”.  I laughed out loud because every year I look forward to the prospect of creating a new me…or my idea of me.  After all if “I” am an illusion, “I” should be possible to recreate, redesign and manifest things in my life according to my desires just as I would in a dream.

For five years I published a journal/calendar based on the notion that the new moon each month is the best time to recreate and redesign your life. It was like having a new year – new you possibility each month. I always had the same list of desires every month….a few things came about but for the most part the manifesting thing wasn’t working for me.

The illusionary “I” doesn’t change so easily being crusted with long forgotten past conditionings. What has changed is the awareness that “I” am not running the show.

Now it’s time for a new year and since I’m a sucker for new beginnings I’ll make my list of what I want to accomplish this year…..and hope that whoever is running the show is paying attention.

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Filed under Illusionary I, life choices, Manifesting, Nonduality, Seeker, Zen

What’s Important?

Trying to look into my agitated mind today now that I have some time to reflect. Reading over a little journal I keep of things to contemplate and ran across this one:

“Ask yourself what’s really important and then have the courage to build your life around your answer.”

This seems simple until I think of what really is important to me…at this point I don’t really know. I can spout all of the usual responses but when you think about the second part of the question, it becomes more complex…..”have the courage to build your life around your answer.”

I don’t have a good answer but have decided to just think about it today.  I first think of health…happiness…family…honesty. Then the question remains how to build my life around one of those choices.  My response usually comes back to “my spirituality is most important”….my relationship to spirit trumps all other relationships….still don’t know exactly how to live it tho.

Today’s wonderings…..

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Filed under Contemplation, Direct Inquiry, Importance, life choices, Mind, Seeker, Self Realization

Reality…In The Shadows?

I was vacuuming my bedroom, pulled out the bed stand and noticed a dark spot on the carpet.  Since I have a new puppy I went about my clean up routine, got the cleaner and rag and started scrubbing.  I did quite a bit of scrubbing and the spot would not come out of the carpet. I looked up to the top of the bed stand and realized that the spot I had been scrubbing was the shadow of an object on the table!  It was the shadow of a fly swatter!  How crazy is that?

I wouldn’t admit to this except that my immediate reaction was laughter and the old tale of the rope being mistaken for a snake went through my mind. But then looking deeper, I wondered how many other situations/objects do I mistake for reality?  For those few moments I was convinced I knew the reality of my purpose ….to clean the spot obviously made by the puppy.  When in reality all I had to do was remove the object producing the shadow and my problem was eliminated.  I wish I could remember that seeking the Truth is just as easy…..

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Filed under Absolute, Direct Experience, Enlightenment, Mind, Nonduality, Reality, Seeker, Self Identity, Self Realization, Shadow, Spirituality, Truth, Uncategorized

Cleaning the Lens…

I’ve only been blogging for a year and not very consistently. Inspiration to write ebbs and flows for me. I just reviewed all of the blogs I’ve done and most relate to my journey down the nonduality path. I just completed the Liberation Unleashed process where the only goal is to help with the realization that there is no personal self….that’s it…nothing else. All other spiritual beliefs and concepts are put away temporarily so that the focus is only on direct experience.

There is only one person outside of the blogosphere who knows of my spiritual journey and that I am involved in the LU process. Not that I want it to be kept secret…exactly the opposite. I am excited to share my insights but I honestly don’t know where to begin the discussion with anyone who has never heard of the no self concept. My knowledge of it has progressed over the years going from one path to the next and the different concepts all linked up together at some point.

I remember when I first became aware of the no self philosophy…it felt uncomfortable. I felt more comfortable keeping the personal self in a separate compartment I called the ego, small self, lower self or a “little me” in the background not to be confused with “my higher self” hanging out somewhere above my head. There seemed to be two parts of me each taking turns being in charge.

Realizing that the little me in the background doesn’t exist and never has existed takes some honest looking. Maybe for some it’s a spiritual awakening happening in a flash but for me it has been a slow process that started two years ago backed up by 25 years of spiritual seeking.

I still don’t know if any awakening happened….I have no expectations of enlightenment….realization is a better word I suppose. Nothing really changes….just a clearer lens to look through.

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Filed under Absolute, Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Pointers, Seeker, Self Identity, Self Realization, Zen

My Little Life

I usually don’t have a particular intention during meditation but today I had the intention to understand my next step in this spiritual journey.  I feel  like I’m jumping around again between different teachers seeing the sameness in all their teachings. I put out this intention…didn’t get an answer so I quit meditating early with a bit of an attitude.  The attitude was one of feeling discouraged wondering if I will ever be content to just “be”.

I sporadically keep a journal. I picked it up and read about a dream I had almost exactly a year ago to the day. I was trying to find a connection at a train station. I was running around trying to find the next train, up and down stairs, in elevators and then a man appears in a chair with wheels and says he knows the way and to hop in.  It was uncomfortable fitting in the chair with him at first but I got settled in and we flew through the station quickly. I remember the relieve of giving up looking on my own and letting him navigate. I don’t remember if we made it because the next thing I remember is looking at him from a distance and he was eating chocolates not worrying about catching the train at all. Then I started judging whether he was the right one to lead me after all and the anxiety started again.

Well, here I am a year later still looking for the next train.  But now I finally realize why I never want to stop seeking or looking for the next train.  If I stop seeking I’m afraid of going back to sleep again and living my little mechanical life outside of awareness.

My spiritual life has always been a priority for me and I try to keep it strong because my little life has never seemed as important to me as my spiritual life.  It came to me that I need to switch that notion and make my little life a priority because that is what is..right now.  It’s not attached to the next teacher or to the cushion.  This is one of the common threads in most teachings but now I may be actually getting it.

I’ll have to remind myself (probably often) that the fear of going backward and living that mechanical life outside of awareness is not possible because my hope is that once it’s seen… it cannot be unseen.  My next step is to realize that my little life is what is important….living it within awareness is the practice.

I guess maybe having an intention during meditation is a good thing after all.

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Filed under Absolute, Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Reality, Seeker, Thoughts, Truth, Zen

Who Am I…Really?

The most common spiritual inquiry question “Who Am I?” has been a question of mine since I can remember.  Not because of spiritual inquiry but because of wondering what my name really should be.  I was named after my father whose name was Harry Carl so the closest female version of that name was …Harriett Carlyn.  The label was strictly a namesake because no one ever called me by either name.  At some point the “o” was put in the middle name making it the more commonly known name of Carolyn.  After that, my label changed many times throughout my life.  I just counted seven different forms of identity in my wallet all with different names. This display of aliases has created problems for me at times especially in airports.

Maybe that’s what started my spiritual quest of trying to discover who I really am.  I always envied people who were  given a name at birth and have never known any other label.  It seemed they always knew who they were and I was always wondering. So now that I’m on this road to “no-self” I can finally stop wondering who I am…and just be whatever name pops out of my wallet that day.

How many names would each spiritual seeker have if they changed their name with each shift in perception or with each “Aha” moment?  After so many changes the names that identify us would become meaningless…

 

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Filed under Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Seeker, Self Identity, self image